21 July 2011

Fighting: It's Good For You

How we deal with disagreements in our house...
*Be sure to read You Need To Fight, but Do You know How? for my views on fighting fair.*

When newlyweds or not-yet-weds tell me that they don't ever fight, the first thought that goes through my head is, "Wow, ya'll must never talk about anything either of you really cares about" because if you agree 100% on everything with another person, then one of you is lying.

Jake and I are both very opinionated, passionate, and stubborn individuals. In my case, it's just being steadfast and determined; in his, it's just being bull-headed. Hey, it's my blog, I can color it however I want!

We disagree about a lot of things, eschatology (the end of the world) being one of the more fun ones, and disciplining Aedyn being one of the most recent.

It started 2 days ago, when something happened that neither of us was prepared to handle. Aedyn ran off, in a store, fast, and around enough corners that we couldn't find him. He found us, thankfully, but Jake had Jaron and I completely mishandled the whole situation. (Details maybe in another post.) Jake's response was so far from what I thought was appropriate, that I said that dreaded phrase "We need to talk."

So we did, and because we're opinionated, passionate, and stubborn individuals it became a fight. I had problems with specific issues above and beyond what happened at the store and generalized them to his whole parenting style, he threw everything back on me and talked in circles. You get the picture. Or at least my picture.But after awhile we finally found some common ground, discussed the real issues, and while I'm sure this will not be the last time we have to address discipline styles, we back on the same side.

Stubborn? Us?
Truth is, fights happen. Yes, in the middle of it, I thought, and he said, "I really wish I'd known this before we got married." But we didn't. We thought we'd discussed discipline, and we had, what we didn't realize is that our definitions of certain things were different. It's a big deal, but it's also not a big deal. Just because we fight doesn't mean we don't love each other and beyond that, it doesn't mean that we aren't committed to each other and the vows we made.

Fights are good for you. They make you realize what's important. If you care about something, you will fight for it. And if you care about someone you will be honest enough to fight with them.

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  1. I tell people the same thing. If you aren't ever fighting it's because either you're lying, or you/they don't care. In healthy relationships you fight. The trick is figuring out how to fight in a healthy way, so you SOLVE things instead of just hurting each others feelings. Matt and I have been married 4yrs, and together for 14. There has been a LOT of fighting. It took us a long time to figure out how to fight the "right way" (You know, so we solved things, and dealt with issues instead of just making each other feel bad. Not that we don't still make each other feel bad from time to time, but usually we manage to end the fight feeling ok about where we are, and with a new plan as to how to go forward)

  2. Blog on how to fight fairly?? We definitely need help in that department!!!

  3. Started working on it last night, it'll be up Monday or Tuesday!


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