Until Death Do Us Part ~ 30 Years Grown

It's amazing how one change in a week can throw your whole perception of time out of whack. We didn't go to church on Sunday and I have been at a complete loss as to the day and date for the past 3 days.

So it was with much shame that I realized that I had let my parent's 30th wedding anniversary slip by almost unnoticed. I could've sworn that Wednesday was the 12th. I have been brainstorming and contemplating a gift for them for weeks. So I was totally caught of guard last night when my mom told me what Dad had done for her that day and that they have finally and officially booked their first anniversary cruise.

I'm excited for them, they've been wanting and planning on going on a cruise for 15 years, but something always came up. Braces, my dad would be out of town, they bought a house, my dad changed jobs, the air conditioner broke. That part of up where the "Paradise Lost" jar keeps getting broken, again, and again, and again...that was their cruise. And now they're going! Ok, well, in September they're going if you want to get technical.

Tonight I watched my mom try on dresses and swimsuits and we hashed out the ups and downs of each one trying to decided which ones she should take back to the store...of course, she's keeping them all!

As I drove home tonight, carried the boys to their beds, and took care of a few emails. I kept tearing up thinking about what the last 30 years have meant (besides the fact that I'll be 29 this year, eek!).

30. Thirty. 3-0 years. 3 decades. More of their lives together than apart (although that happened 5 years ago.)

Through 12 moves, 5 states, 2 children, and a war that had them oceans apart for the better part of 2 years. And much more time apart when you add up all the hundreds of overseas or out of state TDYs (Temporary Duty) that my dad had in his 20 years with the United States Air Force. Against all odds and with mountains of statistics piled against them.

It wasn't easy on either of them. They fought, there was tension. But they both have always been completely faithful to one another. Divorce was never an option. Never. No matter what.

One of my most vivid memories is of hearing my parents fighting in their room shortly after one of my friend's parents had gotten a divorce. I started crying, my brother started crying because I was and Mom and Dad came out to see what was going on. I asked if they were going to get a divorce.

My dad got down on his knees and looked us in the eyes, he told us "When Mommy and I got married, God made us into a chain. That chain can never, ever be broken. We might fight, but we love each other and we will never, ever get a divorce."

And they haven't. And they won't.

They have been an amazing example of what a marriage is supposed to look like.

It's not perfect, but they are committed to making it work. They may or may not be in love with each other day in and day out, but they love each other completely and without reserve. They keep their promises. And they promised "until death do us part."

I hope in 26 years that Aedyn & Jaron can say the same thing about Jake & my marriage.

I'm proud of my parents. They have achieved something amazing! Here's to the next 30 years and may they be the best yet!

**Of course, I have no digital photos of their wedding, so you get to see them at my wedding and wedding rehearsal, lucky you!**

Bring Back My Child!! ~ Terrible Twos Take Two

I really thought that we might have it easy when it came to Jaron and the terrible twos.

And compared to how early Aedyn started and how intense his tantrums were, I guess we do have it easy. (I know comparing children is taboo, but it's inevitable, so I'm not going to pretend that I don't.)

Still, the past week was more than trying. It was heartbreaking.

I watched my sweet, compliant, little boy who would do anything you asked him to with a sweet smile. Suddenly start refusing the simplest request with a hard look in his eyes. When it came to doing things he's not allowed to do, we went from a gentle reminder correcting the problem to repeated redirection and the resulting tantrum.

Maybe I should define tantrum because the boys' versions differ so much. Jaron's tantrums are pretty short, he is specifically mad at whoever has had the audacity to tell him no & after a few seconds he's done. (Aedyn's tantrums would last for a long time and he'd often forget what he was mad about in the first place.)

So now I'm left with disciplining my 19 month old.

The 19 month old that has me fighting myself. "He's just a baby, he doesn't know what he's doing." "He may not know what he's doing, but someone has to teach him what's acceptable/unacceptable behavior."

But before we can really start doing much we have to define his boundaries, and maybe redefine Aedyn's. So many of our issues have to do with Jaron wanting to do everything that Aedyn does. I don't feel like it's fair to remove some of the things that Aedyn is allowed to do just because Jaron is not old enough or big enough (i.e. walk down the steps by himself or use the computer); but we have to do something.

Maybe tomorrow I'll have some answers, but for today...we're just going to feed him to the dinosaurs...

If you want to hear more about my 2 (not always) sleeping babies and the rest of the family you can follow us on Google+, Facebook, and Twitter!

O, To Sleep!

He also does interpretive dance while he sleeps.

I had to make Jaron put himself to sleep without me tonight. I say "had" because for my sanity and his emotional and physical health, it just had to be that way.

We've moved his bedtime nursing session to the beginning of our routine instead of letting him nurse to sleep. He was clamping down, HARD, as he fell asleep and would wake up screaming, refusing to nurse again, and would be up for 2-3 hours if I tried to unlatch him before he was deeply asleep. Ouch.

He does ok, if I lay down with him to put him to sleep, or has done ok. The past couple of nights, he's used me as a way to keep himself awake. An 18 month old, can only go use the potty so many times during a 20 minute period! And hearing "I wuv oo, Mommy" is incredibly precious and sweet, but when it becomes a game of, if I say this then she can't get mad of me...it just loses a touch of the sweetness.

I finally just decided that I was too much of a distraction.

So I told Jaron to stay in his bed, I loved him, stay in the bed. And I walked out.

He was offended, he cried, then he tried crying that he needed to go potty, then I heard pizza, apples, something I couldn't quite make out, and then he started to cry for me. By this point he was out of bed.

I went in, picked him up, gave him a kiss and repeated, stay in the bed, I love you, stay in your bed.

We repeated that 3 times, with varying amounts of crying or just talking to himself, or me, or Aedyn (who was asleep in his own bed) and once I called into his room for him to get in bed. He tried a couple different cries, to see what I would respond to. But after about 45 minutes he fell asleep, in his bed, talking to his toy plane.

I'm not thrilled with, or proud of him crying it out. But I don't even feel like it was true CIO, because it wasn't. When he called for me I went in to show him that I was there, but I also didn't stay.

I'm not 100% sure that this is what we will start doing every night. I'm sure it might be different if Aedyn was awake. But I'm ready for Jaron to start working towards going to sleep on his own. I don't know how long it's been since I got so much done after the boys were in bed, usually bedtime drains me so much that I'm useless.

I guess we'll see how he sleeps tonight. I'm sure that will play a huge role in deciding if this new bedtime is for keeps or not.

When did your kids start putting themselves to bed? Did they do it alone or did you encourage them?

If you want to hear more about my 2 (not always) sleeping babies and the rest of the family you can follow us on Google+, Facebook, and Twitter!

Slightly Crispy or I'm Just Cheap

Fried Avocados ~ Slightly Crispy

It seems like great minds think alike, I've been planning this post for awhile and got preempted by The Gnome's Mom and Shelley at The Pleasantest Things. But here are my thoughts anyway.

I find myself circulating in groups that I never thought I'd be in. "Green," "Crunchy," "Natural." Honestly, the groups I think I fit into better are "Cheap," "Lazy," and "Do It Yourself (also known as 'Really Cheap')"

Sometimes I think that I could easily offend everyone in the world by nursing my 15 month old in public while sitting next to my 3 year old who would be eating a Happy Meal. Because in my life that is a very real possible scenario.

I breastfeed because it's free, I'm still doing it because I'm too lazy to deal with the screaming and rough nights that come with weaning.

I babywear because we couldn't ever afford a swing.

I made my own baby food and practiced baby-led weaning because it was easier to mash up what we had for dinner than deal with tons of half-eaten baby food jars.

I cloth diaper because it's cheaper than disposables. I spent less than $75 on flats, prefolds, and covers. That's all we needed (not to say I haven't bought some cuter types now that we're back on our feet) and it saved us a ton.

I'm considering mama cloth and a menstrual cup because I know they will save me money in the long run, however at the moment the upfront cost is worse than paying a larger amount over a longer stretch of time.

My pantry is full of prepackaged and boxed foods because they're cheap, quick, and easy to make. I do cook, but I really don't enjoy it unless I'm alone in the kitchen (and we all know that that doesn't happen with a 3 and 1 year old).

I use cloth napkins because I get tired of buying so many paper towels.

I vaccinate (except Chicken Pox) on schedule. Including the flu shot.

I use vinegar and baking soda for a lot of things, but when I really want things clean, nothing beats good old bleach.

If certain criteria are met, I spank. I also use time-outs and loss of toys or privileges.

CocaCola is my best friend and my kids drink undiluted juice, occasionally they'll even have something sugary and carbonated.

There you have it. Usually I feel like I have to hide my un-crunchy behaviors when I'm talking to my crunchy friends, but sometimes a girl has just got to air it all out. So I'm airing it.

I'm a good mama and I know it, even if you don't agree with me I'm sure you're probably a good mama (or papa) too. We all do the best for our families and our kids, even if our opinions differ on what that best is. Moms have it hard enough without us making life harder for each other, so I won't knock your choices and please don't knock mine.

Share your thoughts and come join me on Google+, Facebook, and/or Twitter!

Parenting Thing 2

Up until yesterday I never realized how dramatically my parenting style was defined by my firstborn.

Jake took Aedyn fishing yesterday morning so Jaron and I had the house all to ourselves for quite awhile. It was very different with just my younger guy and me. I remember tweeting many months ago, when Jake and Aedyn had gone out, about how I'd forgotten how to interact with just a baby instead of a baby and toddler at the same time. This was different.

This was interacting with just one toddler instead of two (although I guess now my second toddler is really a preschooler, eek!) And I realized how different Jaron is from Aedyn, how that is masked when Aedyn is around, and how much of what I consider "normal" is just normal for Aedyn.

I have no problem with teaching and disciplining each of them to their individual needs, but for some reason playing slipped under my radar.

For example, Aedyn likes attention (that may be the understatement of the year), but unless he wants you to have a lightsaber battle with him he doesn't want you to actually play with him. He wants to do it all himself and just let you watch.

Yesterday, Jaron and I went to his room to find toys. And to my delight and much sadness I realized that he wanted to play with me. And wanted me to play with him. How long have I been missing this and what else am I missing?

Share your thoughts and come join me on Google+, Facebook, and/or Twitter!

Going With The Flow and Building A Dam

I really don't know how to "officially" describe my parenting style, but it pretty much boils down to listening to my kids, evaluating what they need, and doing what's right for us. That being said, if something doesn't work for the whole family then it doesn't work.

My boys, for the most part, have always been great sleepers. If I can get them to sleep in the first place. Bedtime has been a constant battle since Aedyn was born. A few months ago we restructured our lives into a system that worked and worked well, for awhile.

Aedyn had been pushing his naptime back and wasn't ready for bed when I thought they should go down, but then he slept in later. The sleeping in worked great since Jake closes the restaurant 3 nights a week and it made it easier for me to wait up for him and then we all could sleep in until around 10 or even 11am.

But in the past 3 weeks Aedyn pushed his 10pm bedtime back to midnight. If I tried to get him up int mornings or skip his nap and put him to bed earlier he'd sleep for 2 hours and then be up for 3-4 before he'd be ready to sleep again. Which meant 2am at the earliest. Not cool.

After thinking about it awhile I decided that I might have had a hand in that. Instead of taking him back to his room when he'd wake up after 2 hours I let him sit on the couch with me, mainly because I was to tired to deal with trying to keep him in bed, but I was also afraid he'd wake his brother up with his protestations.

So. We went with the flow. Now it's time to build a dam, because I refuse to stay up until 3am with my 3 year-old who then gets to sleep in while I have to get up and take care of his brother.

So far it's working well, we're having to actually get up in the morning...yuck. I probably won't be able to wait up for Jake anymore. And I'm having to deal with bedtime and naptime resistance. On the upside, attitudes are better and we can do stuff before lunchtime again, I'm hoping that this will work for a few months or years...we will see!



Share your thoughts and come join me on Google+, Facebook, and/or Twitter!

Dear Bloggy...

Dear Poor Little Neglected Blog,

I never dreamed that moving could take so much out of a person.

Boys' room - in progress

I consider myself quite the accomplished mover; having done so 23 or 24 times in my 27 years on this earth (the ones before I turned 2 I'm a little fuzzy on). However, moving with 2 toddlers is a whole other ball of wax!

As if keeping up with my angels *coughchokecough* wasn't enough, someone forgot to tell the cooking, dish washing, and laundry fairies about my change of address. Then the boys have been super clingy because of all the change, most days I just battle until I can get them out of the house and away from all the boxes that they aren't supposed to get into or climb on.

Jake's been helping out when he's home, but the restaurant is just starting into the busy season and taking time off isn't an option right now. And my parents were taking the boys, but they're work schedules both picked up this week too. AHHHH!

So, my goal has changed. It used to be to get the bedrooms set up and perfect and work my way out into the main living area, I thought I could keep from putting off dealing with the actual contents of the boxes if I were constantly stumbling over them. But now I need my kitchen, dining room, and living room for Thanksgiving Dinner...

Master Bath - just enough done to make it work for now

I'm off now to start building a fort in Jake's and my bedroom, not nearly as exciting as it sounds...and put whatever else I can into the storage closets...wish me luck!

Maybe I should have asked before we moved, but anyone have thoughts or tips on moving with toddlers???

Your Schedule Isn't My Schedule

Recently I realigned the boys's schedules. While I'm not a big fan of schedules in general I like to have an idea of when they're going o go to bed and wake up. Everything else...meh.

For the longest time I've wanted my evenings free. It was time for me. Jake would typically be at work, the boys would be in bed and I'd have the house to myself to clean, crochet, blog, or whathaveyou.

But then Aedyn stopped going to bed. Or rather, on days he napped he wouldn't go to bed. On days he didn't nap, he'd go to bed, sleep for 2 hours and then be back up until 2 or 3am.

That was when I thought that "everyone" knew what they were talking about when "they" said that kids should go to bed around 7:30-8pm. (Jaron was only sleeping 2 hour stretches at that point, so it really didn't matter when he "went to bed.") But it just wasn't working for us!

I realized that Aedyn has always done better when I've paid attention to his sleep cues, instead of putting him on a schedule. Why did I think that needed to stop once he turned two? Why would I do what's right for my unique family in everything else, but try and fit in a box on this one?

I can tell you without a doubt that it's because I want to do the right thing. I want him to be a well rested, happy little boy. I knew that I might mess him up in many ways, but I wanted to get the sleep thing right. Well...oops.

So I started listening to him.

For the most part, we all get up in the mornings around 10am...it's wonderful! Sunday morning are hard since we have to be out of the house by 8:15, but that should change in the next week or two. We rarely do anything in the morning, but I don't see a problem with that. If it ever becomes an issue we can deal with it then.

 Jaron has finally worked out his kinks napwise and takes one nap now. From about 2/3 pm to 4/5 pm. Aedyn still fights his nap, but if I can time a playground trip after lunch just right, he'll fall asleep without a fuss on the way home.

Bedtime for Jaron is about 9pm with Aedyn following at 10:30pm. I'm still trying to get into a groove of putting them both to bed by myself. Aedyn really wants to lay down with us when I put Jaron to bed, but he can't be still. Jaron, of course, doesn't want to sleep if Aedyn's playing around. When Jake's home he runs interference while I get Jaron to sleep.

I may or may not have some time before Jake gets home on the nights he works, but now that I'm getting an occasional break with both of them napping that time is  not as big of a deal.

So that's it. Your schedule isn't my schedule and my schedule isn't that person's over there. It is what is. We're all happier, we've had fewer temper tantrums overall (Aedyn is still 2...), and everyone is getting better sleep.

Because, believe it or not, when Aedyn went to bed at 7:30 or 8 or 8:30 or 9 he would inevitably wind up awake and tossing and turning in our bed, waking up Jaron and causing general chaos at 3 am. Now that he goes to bed at 10? He comes in our room about 8am and cuddles up to go back to sleep until 10am. Perfect for this family of night owls. I just pray that none of our future children are early birds!!

Have you ever gone against the commonly accepted "best thing"? How did it work for you? Do you think I'm crazy for letting my kids stay up so late?

Share your thoughts and come join me on Google+, Facebook, and/or Twitter!

Big Boy Blankets

We're moving in a few weeks. When that happens Aedyn and Jaron will both move to their own beds in their own room. We've decided to do twin mattresses on the floor.

But for now, Aedyn sleeps in his toddler bed converted from his crib. Jaron sleeps with us.

Aedyn sleeps in the toddler bed much as he did when it was a crib. He started out with just a fitted sheet, and 1 of 3 crocheted blankets that my mom or I made for him; about 6 months ago he wanted to start taking a pillow to bed with him.

We keep the bedrooms pretty cool because we all sleep better that way.  And it's never been a problem, we all like dressing warmly or using blankets and having our faces cold and breathing cold air.

Then Aedyn started showing up in Jake and my bed more and more often. At first we didn't think much of it. He tends to go through phases where he's in with us and then he'll be completely in his own bed all night long. We don't push and know that it only lasts a few days or so.

But a few nights ago I realized something. Aedyn has outgrown his baby blankets. They're just not big enough for him to cuddle to his chin and still be covered. It wasn't an issue til his most recent growth spurt.

So it's time for a big boy blanket. For the next couple weeks he's using a cuddly throw of mine, I'm just not comfortable putting a twin size blanket on a toddler bed; too much fabric. But at some point before we move we're going to go pick out sheets and blankets for their new beds.

Both my boys will be moving into big boy beds with big boy blankets...bittersweet.

How have you made transitions in you family? Do you ever get caught off guard by the little "milestones" like growing out of baby blankets?

Don't forget today and tomorrow are the last days to enter to win the FuzziBunz OS Cloth Diaper Giveaway! 

Can Boys Just Be Boys?

I'm sitting here rehashing something that went on today. Wondering if I'm letting things slide or if another mother was really so uptight that her kid couldn't play for 3 minutes at a time without her running to his rescue. A rescue that he didn't really seem to need.

Here's the story.

Today I took the boys to Chick-fil-a. Aedyn loves the playplace there and it looked like rain (and who can turn down CFA?). Aedyn had been playing for a few minutes, I was in the dining room watching through the glass, but had a bit of a blind spot from a pillar. I still felt like I had a good feel of what was going on.

I noticed that a couple of moms started following what was going on pretty closely and overheard, Mom A say "I think he just hit him." I couldn't see what they were talking about and tried to see Aedyn, their boys were on the ground and I saw Aedyn come down the slide. So I figured they must not have been talking about him.

Then I saw Boy B kick Boy A. Mom B knocks on the glass and shakes a finger. No biggie, it was handled. Then Boy A takes of running and giggling as Aedyn ran after him. Both were screaming and having a good time. Mom A jumps up and runs to the door and opens it and lunges in. She didn't do anything and I wasn't really sure what it was all about.

Boy B climbs into the bottom of the slide and is just sitting there. Boy A climbs over him and heads up the slide with Aedyn behind him. Boy A kind of lays down or maybe slips and Aedyn goes to crawl over him.

Mom A jumps up and says something to the effect of "He's pulling his hair!" Note: she just said it to the air I guess, but I know it wasn't directed to me. Maybe Aedyn did, but it just looked like little boys all climbing over each other to me. If he did pull his hair then I highly doubt it was intentional and more of a "I'm falling and need something to hold on to" reflex. (But I could be wrong, my child is no angel.)

Mom A then grabs Boy A and brings him out. "I'm sorry, but I can't let you play in there if that little boy is in there." Boy A was not upset, crying, or seemingly anyway affected by the "hair pulling." He was just upset that she'd brought him out.

**NOTE: Aedyn was the youngest and the smallest of all three boys and Mom A refused to allowed Boy A to take of his shoes, which is a RULE for the safety of all of them.**

Of course Boy A was back in there in a matter of seconds. The boys continued to chase each other and play. It was about equal with which ones were running and which ones were chasing. If they weren't playing like that then Boy A was following Aedyn and they were driving together, smiling, and laughing the whole time.

But anytime they came down to the floor level Mom A would jump up and run into the play area. I was and am confused. Her child was obviously not in any distress that he saw, he was definitely not afraid of being around Aedyn, in fact he seemed to like him a lot. They were just being boys. Mom B kept an eye on things, but never made a move to enter the play area or seemed worried.

We do have an issue with Aedyn hugging everyone whether they want to be hugged or not and it's normal that I'll have to go in and remind he a few times to ask people if they want hugs before he gives one. He can get pretty rough when people try to get away instead of hugging them back, but that's why I watch him closely.

In my opinion, if you choose to let your kid play in an area like that then you have to be able to accept the consequences of that choice and know that kids are going to be kids. That doesn't mean let your kid get beat up, but if he doesn't seem to be bothered by it, let them work it out between them.

I have pulled Aedyn out when there are bigger kids playing roughly and pushing him down, he is young and little. But if the kids are close to his age and size I try to let him handle it. For the most part he does a great job and will ignore whatever he doesn't like or go play somewhere else, but occasionally I do have to intervene.

Boys will be boys is an excuse for a lot of bullying these days, but it didn't used to be. Boys are contact driven, they're high energy. They're boys...and they will be boys.

What are your thoughts? Was Mom A just a helicopter parent to my more free-range style? Am I missing something? Feel free to let me know if you disagree with how I handle things. I'd really like hear what everyone thinks about this!

Popsicle Decisions

Everyday my 2.5 year old is faced with a world full of choices. Will mom freak out more if I climb the bookshelf or if I jump from the back of the couch? Should I wear shorts or pants? Do I want hot dogs or chicken nuggets?  And the big one: What color popsicle do I want?

We typically have a variety box that contains 3 flavors. Aedyn loves all of them. You can probably guess that he can spend quite a bit of time agonizing over whether he would be happy  with green, purple, or pink. It’s not an easy decision and if he makes the wrong choice he’ll often try and un-eat the popsicle just because he changed his mind on the color. (He tries to shove his hand down his throat to “get it out of tummy, no want purple anymore.”)

 Like most parents, I think, Jake and  I do our best to let Aedyn make all the choices he can. But more often than not we force him to make a choice before he has fully decided. Usually it’s for practical reasons; after all we can’t stand there and let 3 popsicles melt completely while our son deliberates. But the other day I watched this happen between Aedyn and Jake and I started to wonder.

What are we teaching him about decision making? That snap decisions are always the best because they are the most convenient for everyone around him? That just because someone else is impatient we have to throw reasoning aside and just pick something without thinking it through?

 Or is a good thing? Are we teaching him to think quickly under pressure?

What happens in 12 years when we start lecturing him about slowing down and not rushing his decisions?

I don’t know. But I have started asking him to choose a color before we open the freezer…I just have to remember to check what colors are left a few minutes beforehand…oops.

What do you think? Do we train our kids to make snap decisions all throughout their early years and then expect it to change in highschool? Do popsicle decisions really matter in the long run?

Share your thoughts and come join me on Google+, Facebook, and/or Twitter!

Does My Child Need To Lose Weight?

Earlier this week I cam across an article from the Huffington Post. It was commenting on a new children's book being published and available starting in October.

"Maggie Goes on A Diet"

This book is self published by author Paul Kramer. It tells the story of 14 year old Maggie who is overweight and through diet and exercise loses the weight to become the school soccer star. She becomes "more confident and has a positive self-image."

As you can guess this book has made waves!

Some only have a problem with the cover art, it seems that Maggie is only wanting to be skinny so she can fit into "the" dress and the picture does very little convey that she wants to lose weight for herself or her health.

Others point to the the number of eating disorders that girls as young and younger than 9 are developing under the pressure of looking like movie stars and models. And I can see their point. Four percent of teens report having an eating disorder, and because of the secretive nature of eating disorders we can safely assume that this number is deceptively low.

Yet another group applauds the book. Finally, someone who will discuss the thing no one else will: That nearly 20% of kids aged 6-19 are overweight.

Obesity is nearly considered an epidemic and everyone is looking for someone to blame. Restaurants, video games, lack of school activities, parents. Doctors give seemingly contradictory advice as they push a child's milk and fat intake until age 2 and then abruptly start worrying and cutting back on the same foods they encouraged 3 months prior so they don't gain too much weight as a preschooler.

It's confusing. What is a parent supposed to do? Are they supposed to do it alone? How much of it is parenting and how much culture? So many questions and so few answers.

Now this book appears. It could be a way to broach the subject with your kids or it could be yet another blow to a young girl's self esteem. I'd love to check out a copy and see how the inside of the book compares to it's cover. After all, you can't judge a book by it's cover, and for now that's all we have to go on.

What do you think? Will you be picking up a copy?

Share your thoughts and come join me on Google+, Facebook, and/or Twitter!

Temper Tantrums = Abuse???

I wrote a post a couple weeks ago about a stranger disciplining your child. I also have blogged my thoughts about temper tantrums in public.

What I witnessed today was a whole different ball of wax. 

Jake is off on Mondays so that is the day we run errands and get groceries. Today we were at Walmart getting the tires balanced and picking up some things for when the boys and I go to Tennessee next week.

We were maybe two aisles into the grocery side when we heard ear splitting screams start on the next aisle over. We turned the corner and passed a mom and her two kids, the little girl was probably between 4 and 6 years old and was following her mom screaming because her mom refused to buy her cookies. It looked like they were only there for a few things because Mom didn't have a cart.

I mentioned to Jake that "at least it's not our kid this time." And Jake made a point of telling Aedyn "that little girl needs a spanking" in a very quiet voice. Neither of us wanted our copycat 2 year old picking up that behavior! We both agreed that if she were ours we would've visited the bathroom or gone to the car, but we agreed with the mom for not giving in.

The screaming continued and about 10 minutes later we heard a grown woman start yelling. We were several aisle away but could hear pretty much everything. "Would you make her stop screaming! She's been crying for an hour! Just give her what she wants! I'm going to call child services if you don't make her stop!"

Really lady?

We then saw the mom head to the check out line, the little girl still screaming. In the check out the mom picked the girl up and was paying when the lady who had yelled got in line behind her and began acting like she was dialing her phone and yelling at the mom. "I'm calling child services! I saw you pull her hair! I saw you push her!"

Jake asked as walked by, "You're really going to call the cops because the kid's crying?"

The lady answered "I saw her slap the little girl!"

"That's not what you were yelling two minutes ago."

"I work for child services! I'm a nurse and my brother's a police officer! She's abusing that child!"

"Could you just stop yelling?"

"She was yelling at me!"

"Call the cops if you're going to, but stop yelling."

"Would you want to someone to treat your child that way?"

"I want you to stop yelling, call someone if you need to but stop yelling." (Don't you love how my hubby can stay calm and not be taken off topic by people like this?)

At this point a couple of employees had walked up to the woman to find out what was going on. But just stood there and did nothing as they listened to all of this. By the time the woman turned around to yell at the mom again, the mom and the kids had finished checking out and made it out of the store. The cops never showed up. The woman shut up and began checking out.

I wanted so badly to ask her how old her children were, because she'd made it pretty clear that she either wasn't a parent or it was so long ago that she didn't remember what preschoolers were like. I also wanted to say a few other things too, but I did ot want to start a new fight over those issues, and I didn't wan my husband arrested when he punched her in the face, Because I'm pretty sure she would've been nasty and my hubby doesn't let anyone talk to me like that, much less yell at me!

We were talking about it as we walked to the car and noted that what the woman accused the mom of changed every time she opened her mouth. Lies or at least exaggerations? We didn't see what was going on, but I can guess that if anything the mom was trying to quiet her daughter after the woman's first onslaught and may not have behaved in the most patient way. Who could when they have someone yelling at them?

Then we began to talk about the little girl. Fifteen minutes is a pretty long time to keep a tantrum going for a child who's used to being waited out. Maybe her mom does give in often enough to make the tantrum worth it. Or maybe her mom is a single parent and the kid's dad gives her everything she screams for when he has her. Whatever the case, how does yelling at a child's mom help?

Don't you think that yelling at her mom might have scared her and made her cry more? Or on the other side, she was old enough to know what was going on, did the woman prolong the tantrum because the girl realized she had an adult on her side?

We also noted that NO ONE ELSE approached the mom, even after the woman started yelling. They let her do what she needed to do with her screaming child and they let her leave. On the other hand several people surrounded the yelling woman and tried to get her to calm down. NO ONE said anything to back up the woman's claims of abuse. (Typically if one person says something that everyone else is afraid to say then others to step up in support after the issue has been broached. Not the case in this situation.)

I can only imagine how that mom must have felt. I wish I could've said something to her, but she was long gone.

And that is why I think all social workers, case managers and every employee should be required to parent a child through preschool before they are allowed to handle any calls. And the first question a child services worker should ask a caller is "Are you a parent yourself? What do you think?


Share your thoughts and come join me on Google+, Facebook, and/or Twitter!

Breaking Down Babywise ~ Part III

Please read Part 1, an intro to Babywise and it's authors, and Part 2, discussing the compatibility of using Babywise while breastfeeding.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now we come to sleep. Babywise is subtitled "Giving Your Baby the Gift of Sleep". One of the first questions the Ezzos ask as they begin discussing the subject of sleep is: "Who wouldn't want their baby to sleep through the night?" It's meant to be rhetorical, and the answer would seem to be "I don't know, who wouldn't want their baby to sleep through the night?"

ME!

Not as early as they say anyway, and not by their definition. But first, let's talk about why babies wake up during the night.

1. Hunger. Growing babies need food. For the first 3 to 4 months, babies need to eat very frequently, they're growing like crazy, then tossing in extra growth spurts every couple of weeks, it's pretty obvious that they need calories around the clock. Around 3 to 4 months they might naturally start "sleeping through the night" something that the Ezzos and the American Academy of Pediatrics agree on. BUT, the Ezzos define sleeping through the night at 12 weeks old as 11-12 hours of sleep. The medical definition and the expectation is 5 hours.

2. Brain development. Babies have two sleep stages. Their bodies and brains rest during the deep sleep stage, but during the lighter, REM sleep stage is when the baby is forming all of their brain connections and cementing into place everything that they have learned that day. They need the lighter stage of active sleep in order to develop. As they move around they will sometimes wake themselves up. This has a purpose too, because...

3. SIDS risk reduction. Although no one knows for sure what really causes SIDS, one of the current theories is that the baby falls into the deep sleep stage and, for whatever reason, can't and doesn't return to lighter REM stage; the brain continues resting and sleep continues to deepen until the brainstem ceases to function and breathing stops. Waking during the night for some babies is a necessary part of moving from deep sleep to REM sleep.

Waking during the night is developmental issue. For the first 6 months (even longer for some babies) night waking is just what their brain does. While there are factors that play into a good night's sleep - being overtired, too much stimulation during the day - your baby will sleep through the night when he or she is ready to sleep through the night, physically and mentally.

Now, Babywise...

At first glance the Babywise method seems like just another cry-it-out (CIO) method. But when you take a closer look you find that it's more than that and can lead to some pretty serious consequences.

The Ezzos say that some crying is expected and is normal and may last anywhere from 5 to 45 minutes. This is fine, sometimes babies just need to cry. The AAP agrees to an extent saying that a baby may average about 3 total hours of crying over a 24 hour period.

Acknowledging that, some babies will cry no matter what they do, and you also have to consider what prolonged crying does to the baby. I'm not talking about emotional health here, I'm talking about physiologically. Prolonged crying raises the amount of the stress hormone, cortisol, in the baby (and parents too). Elevated cortisol levels can cause restless sleep, failure to reach a deep restful sleep state and has long term effects of high blood pressure and heart problems. Anyone who has cried themselves to sleep as an adult can describe to you exactly how well they slept that night and how they felt the next morning; like you didn't sleep at all and someone ran over you with a Mack truck. How is this productive in developing truly healthy sleep habits?

The Babywise technique takes the baby through his naptime routine, that somehow should be devoid of any sleep props (pacifiers, nursing, rocking), lays him down in his own bed and leaves him to fall asleep alone, no matter how hard he cries. It is based on the belief that any child can be trained to sleep. Whatever happens, Baby remains in his crib until his 1.5 - 2 hour naptime is up, and heaven forbid he finally fall asleep with 15 minutes to go, because he doesn't get to decide when his nap ends; he'll be up in 15 minutes when his Babywise Mom gets him up so that he stays on schedule.

If baby wakes up during his nap or during the night, parents are instructed to poke their head in the room, but don't get Baby out of his crib, let him cry and he'll figure things out, just monitor him.

Babywise does not give any credence to differing personalities, or the fact just like adults, infants are going to have their own sleep patterns. Babies have personalities that affect everything they do and how they are parented. Each child is unique.

To recap: Babies SHOULDN'T be sleeping through the night (7-8 hours) a 7 weeks old, like Babywise says they should, they still need calories around the clock and need to wake to return to REM sleep so their brains develop correctly. Babies will sleep through the night when they are developmentally ready, "training" them to do so earlier poses risks to development and health. In allowing Baby to CIO in the Babywise manner, there is a risk of short term and long term health problems from the elevated stress hormone levels.

Even with all of that, we still haven't reached my main gripe. My biggest problem with how Babywise handles sleep is that it places the responsibility of a child's sleep patterns directly on the parent. If Baby isn't sleeping through the night, then you, as the parent, are doing something wrong. There is no other explanation, and that's what led to this story:

A few months back a Babywise parenting friend of mine posted on Facebook that for several nights her 4 month old had started waking up nearly every hour. He had been sleeping through the night. I offered the suggestions of sick, teething, growth spurt, but was drowned out by several Babywisers who encouraged her that it was just a phase and he needed to work through it. She decided to go with "tough love" and let him cry it the several times he woke that night. 

The next day, she decided to take him into the ER and found out that the baby had pneumonia and an ear infection. I was livid. I know she did what she thought was best, but her's is not the only story I've heard where illnesses have gone missed for days because the parents thought the sleep disturbances were training issues instead of recognizing them as a sign of something else.

This is my conclusion for now with Babywise (unless I get a ton of requests for a review of the Biblical/Spiritual issues). I could go on for another two weeks about discipline, older infant/toddler feeding, play time, parental roles....

For now I'll leave you with this, some babies thrive under a schedule, however, under the full schedule of Babywise there is an extremely high risk for both long term and short term health problems, if you are considering Babywise, please don't. Consider another form of baby scheduling and above all watch and listen to your baby, he or she didn't read the book...

If you'd like to read more about the Ezzos and Babywise I recommend this website and this handout.

Share your thoughts and come join me on Google+, Facebook, and/or Twitter!

Breaking Down Babywise ~ Part II

Please read Part 1 of Breaking Down Babywise, an intro to the method and the authors. It'll help explain some of the terms I use or reference in this post.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Babywise and Breastfeeding: Compatible?

It depends. Maybe if you apply some ideas and leave out others, but then, that's not really the Babywise method. As presented in Along the Infant Way, you take it all or you're not really using the method effectively or as intended and can't be promised the same results.

It's my belief, along with the Academy of American Pediatrics (AAP), most pediatricians, all lactation consultants, and nutritionists that a child should be breastfed for at least 1 year. If you have to put them on formula then it's not time to wean! Furthermore, if milk is such a critical part of a 1 year-old's diet as the pediatricians and AAP recommend it to be, then you'd probably do best to keep that oh-so-important milk coming from within the species. At the child's 2 year old appointment, when all of the sudden the Dr is suddenly worried about them drinking too much milk, then you might think about cutting things back and moving on. (This is assuming that mom has the ability to breastfeed.)

That said, tonight I met the first person I have ever known to successfully breastfeed longer than 8 months without using formula supplements and while using the Babywise method. And I know alot of people who use Babywise. Congrats! Thank you tweeps for helping me find her! So there are a few examples out there that it can work. But I think that in making it work moms are treading on some very dangerous ground.

If you use Babywise, you might also want to check the edition of your book, the most current edition is from 2006. This newest edition does cut out some of their stricter rules and deletes some paragraphs entirely, without addressing the disappearances. This worries me in and of itself. If the method is really so great, so effective, and so irrefutably good for family and baby, then why these drastic changes? It would seem that in the face of criticism the Ezzos are much more ready to water things down to sell a few more books than stick by their original statements.

To the point.

I'm just going to work my way through Chapter 4 to begin with. "Facts on Feeding."

Right, facts. In Chapter 4 the Ezzos state that bottles are as good as the breast when it comes to feeding. Well, they get the food to the baby's mouth alright, but it is documented that feeding from the breast is necessary for the proper development of baby's jaw muscles, jaw alignment, and palate formation. So, braces anyone?

It also assumed and implied that breastfeeding is strictly nutritional. Except that a study of basic physiology and hormones shows us otherwise. Breastfeeding is a calming and connecting event. The hormones and pheromones released during breastfeeding give physical and mental benefits to mom and baby. These particular hormones and pheromones reduce stress, promote bonding, and increase milk supply. Yes, just being near your baby and breathing his scent can encourage milk supply. If it were strictly nutritional then why would let down often occur at the very cry of a baby and not always wait until appropriately stimulated by baby at the nipple? Comfort nursing is just as important as nutritional nursing to both baby and mom at emotional and mental levels.

We have now reached a point that I have nearly over-researched. Foremilk and Hindmilk.
Page 67 of Babywise

"...snack  feeding provides baby only a partial meal consisting of the lower calorie foremilk and not the higher calorie hindmilk essential for growth."

Page 43 of Along the Infant Way

"...the lower caloried foremilk that too frequent of feedings produce."

These statements show a basic lack of knowledge about foremilk and hindmilk. These books teach a mom that her baby gets foremilk anytime he starts a new feeding. But that is not always true. Foremilk is not "made." It is the milk that is left in the ducts after the last feeding. The fat in the foremilk has risen back towards the glands and is let down as the glands contract after the baby has started nursing off the leftover, watery milk from the last feeding. The amount of foremilk is largely based on how much storage space the mom has in her breasts. The shorter the time between feedings, the LESS foremilk a mom has and the more fat and calories the baby will get in his meal.

Then we get to supply and demand.
Page 67 of Babywise

"A mother who takes her baby to her breast 12, 15, or 20 times a day will not necessarily produce any more milk than the mom who takes her baby to breast 8 or 9 times a day." 

Even the Ezzos themselves negate this when they instruct a mom struggling with supply to pump between feedings to increase her supply. One of the ways a baby signals to his mother's body that he has grown and needs more milk is to eat more frequently. More nursing sessions = more milk!

Later in Babywise (pg 103), moms with a questionable supply are told to either put the baby on a schedule or supplement with formula. Interesting.

According to the Ezzos there are only 3 "correct" ways to nurse. The cradle hold, the football hold, and side-lying. According to Babywise and Along the Infant Way, anything that varies from these positions will inevitably cause poor latch and result in poor feeding. Ladies, I'm sorry if your breasts are too small or too large for these positions to work for you comfortably, I guess you're just up a creek without a paddle.

Ideally, according to Babywise, your newborn will eat on a 2.5 - 3 hour schedule. It one part of the book they say to be flexible, but in another part they advise to let a 2 month old experience "natural consequences" of not eating enough at the previous meal and instruct the mom to force the baby to wait until the next scheduled feed. They put forth the use of a pacifier to hold off a baby until the next feeding. However, they fail to address that the act of sucking on that pacifier releases hormones in the baby that cause drowsiness. So baby is sleepy and doesn't eat a full meal, but then is forced to wait until the next mealtime by using the same pacifier. A cycle and recipe for dehydration and malnutrition.

When it comes to weaning, early editions of Babywise state "No one can say for sure what age is ideal." Except that actual doctors have determined that at least 1 year, but 2 is ideal according to the World Health Organization. Which is probably why this statement was struck from the 2006 edition.

The Ezzos also encourage moms to listen to their pediatrician's advice over that of any lactation consultant. Because we all know that pediatrician's receive years of training specifically on breastfeeding. (PLEASE read that with the sarcasm it was intended to be read with.) They also imply that you should refrain from telling an LC about the schedule the baby is on until you find that she is in support of the Babywise method; only then are moms encourage to be fully forthcoming about exactly how and when they are feeding their baby.

Some final thoughts.

The AAP has expressed concern over Babywise and the reports they've received connecting the method to dehydration, malnutrition, slow growth, and slow development.  (Here and Here) Remember the Ezzos said to trust your pediatrician over a lactation consultant...

Two quotes from page 213 of Babywise:

"Competent doctors have your best interests in mind."

"More lawsuits against obstetricians and gynecologists today are forcing them to exercise conservative, lower risk treatments."

These two quotes were referring to C-sections and how having one should be seen as a possible and even probably birth outcome; but it reflects a knowledge that doctors will do what they have to to protect themselves and either ignorance or naivete that those same doctors will still have the patients best interest in mind. Ummm, right.

~~~~~~
Monday I'll break down "The Gift of Sleep" that Babywise promises. Find Part III here.

Share your thoughts, positive or negative, and come join me on Google+, Facebook, and/or Twitter so you don't miss when the rest of the series is published!

Breaking Down Babywise ~ Part I

Well, it's here. I've read, I've researched and I can't put off the writing any longer. This was supposed to be a single post, but after everything I've read and started writing in my head, there will be at least 3 parts to this and possibly 4. So here we go....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first time I heard of Babywise was when I was pregnant with Aedyn. The former pastor of our church at the time and his wife swore by the method. Most of my friends were dead set on using it. If the pastors were doing it and recommending it, it must be the right thing!

It didn't sound right to me then, but I didn't stir the pot. I stuck very much to "Well, if it feels right for your family, then that's your choice." Now I feel quite a bit different. Now I hope that EVERY SINGLE ONE of my friends reads this and stops using this method of parenting; and I'm not going to keep my mouth shut anymore if I hear someone considering it.

For those of you who haven't heard of the Ezzos, they are a "Christian" couple who conduct classes on parenting. Among the books that they have written or co-written are: Let the Children Come: Along the Infant Way and On Becoming Babywise (Commonly called just "Babywise"). These are the two that I'll be referencing the most. Babywise is essentially Along the Infant Way with all the church words taken out. Neither have had any training in child development, pediatric medicine, breastfeeding, or psychology. Gary Ezzo has no associate's or bachelor's degree, but somehow has a M.A. in Christian Ministry (credited due to "life experience"). Anne Marie Ezzo worked as a RN many years ago and to my knowledge has not kept her credentials up to date.

For the first 3 parts of this series I'm going to leave out all of the Christian principles and guidelines. They wrote Babywise for a non-religious group, so we're going to handle it that way. Depending on how I feel and the response I get I'll tackle things from a Biblical standpoint next week in the possible part 4.

A few weeks ago I came across an article that opened up a whole new section of the internet to me. I don't remember if it was tweeted, shared, liked, or posted, but somehow I found out that I wasn't the only one not drinking the Ezzo kool-aid. Not only was I not drinking the kool-aid, my gut feelings about Babywise were backed by quite a large population, including the American Association of Pediatrics.

Much of what moved me from quiet disagreement to outright condemnation was not their inaccurate breastfeeding information or questionable sleep strategies. It was what I found out about the author. Gary Ezzo has been asked to leave two different churches and positions of leadership. Grace Community Church, where he served under John MacArthur, and Living Hope Evangelical Fellowship. Further, Grace Community and MacArthur have formally withdrawn any support and affiliation with the Ezzos and their parenting program, they have also issued a waring to their congregation and others about the Ezzos and their teaching. Living Hope not only asked them to leave but excommunicated the couple. Both churches cited lack of truthfulness and refusal to be held accountable. (You can find more details about that here and here.)

If you read the second article all the way through, you'll also notice that the Ezzo's daughters and their families cut ties and remain estranged from the couple. Ummm, if their parenting philosophy has resulted in that, do you really want to try and do things their way?

To my knowledge, the Ezzo's have never answered any of these issues directly. Instead they play the politician's game of dancing around the question and painting themselves as victims. They try to throw dirt on a laundry list of respected Christian leaders, Lactation Consultants, and Pediatricians, plus they attack their accounting firm (who dropped them due to "ethical concerns") and their publisher (who could not verify medical claims made in their books). And while MR. Gary Ezzo maintains that he doesn't call himself "Dr." he hasn't corrected others who do call him that, even when the error occurs on public, national television. Hmmm, maybe they should run for government office! They'd fit right in...

If their character and professional history hasn't been enough for you to question the credibility of Babywise, then maybe tomorrow's post will give you a bit more to think about. Find Part II here and Part III here.

Share your thoughts in the comments and come join me on Google+, Facebook, and/or Twitter! Make sure you don't miss any posts in this series!

When Strangers Discipline Your Child: What I Should've Done

Aedyn at 20 months

Today's post is inspired by Mommyhood Next Right and her post about What Do You Do When A Stranger Disciplines Your Child?

As I read her post I remembered back to last fall. Christmas decorations were out, but Jaron hadn't been born yet, so it must have been Octoberish. Aedyn and I were at Cracker Barrel with my parents and were wandering around the store after having finished dinner. Aedyn was 20 months old and was walking with me.

Now Cracker Barrel has their displays set up all over the place, they tend to put noisy and light flashing stuff very close to the floor, perfect for little hands to grab and touch.

We saw this fun little tabletop Christmas decoration, a piano if I remember correctly, it played Christmas Carols and the keys moved with the song. Cute! Especially for a toddler who loves the piano.

He reached out with one finger to touch. As I reached out to take his hand while saying something like "Aedyn, no touching, just looking." A nearby sales associate lunged over and grabbed his hand saying harshly "We don't touch!"

Potty Training: The Non-Glossy Version

I originally started Milk Bubbles blog as a way to get my mommy potty talk off of Facebook where my non-parent friends weren't so thrilled with hearing a play by play of Aedyn's successes and failures in the bathroom arena. I stopped a month later, with Aedyn fully potty trained. But here's the whole story.

Aedyn's potty training began at 18 months. He'd shown interest starting at around 15 mo along with staying dry through naps and overnight; so I got a potty and let him familiarize himself with it. At 18 months he was eating breakfast one morning, stopped, looked at me and said "Mama, potty! Potty!" I took him and sure enough, he pottied. And he POOPED! On the potty. He told me and then held it long enough to get on the potty! I went out and got underwear and we started. He went into underwear 100%

Do You Really Need Your Kids?

I had an interesting experience over the weekend. One that I never saw coming. But we'll get to that in a minute.

"Buzz Lightyear to Star Command"

Now, I know that I need things, who doesn't? I know that I need people in general, I'm an extrovert. I know that I need my husband, even though on occasion, when I'm in a mood, I try to pretend that I don't. The emotional need is obvious, the cognitive one is more practical. Jake mentioned something the other day about shared memory; the Encyclopedia of Human Relationships, Vol. 1 (yup, there is one of those apparently) references it on pg. 336 (if you're inclined to look it up, you can read the book online at Google Books).

Close relationship partners even tend to encode, store, and retrieve information from each other as though they are drawing on a shared memory system.

Spanking or Time-Out? Physical Abuse or Emotional Abuse?

If you listen to "them", "they" tell parents not to spank, it borders on physical abuse and is in effective. But if spanking is physical abuse, then isn't time-out bordering on emotional abuse? Are you not telling your child that they are not worth having a relationship with if they can't behave? Does that child become a teenager who makes a mistake and then feels like they won't be welcome at home? Doesn't time-out breed resentment and depression out of being isolated and rejected by those who are supposed to love them unconditionally?