Cesarean Awareness Month ~ 17 Months Out

It came to my attention yesterday that April, on top of containing Real Diaper Week (woohoo!), is National Cesarean Awareness Month.

It seems like every month is the National month of something, but this one is particularly meaningful to me.

I've had 2 C-sections.

The first was much needed and sensitively done, and was all in all a wonderful birth experience and most likely saved my child who would have otherwise been stillborn. (Aedyn's story)

The second one still causes me to wake up crying in the middle of the night. It is still the subject of every fear and doubt. It still affects how I view myself as a woman and a mother. (How I was treated postpartum has a lot to do with that as well.)

I'll list all my posts about Jaron's birth and my failed VBAC at the end of this one.

For awhile I told myself that I was more upset about the postpartum treatment than the C-section itself. Maybe that's true, maybe not.

In any case I find myself envisioning different scenarios for our 3rd child that we are hoping for sometime in the next year. They range from an intentional unassisted home birth to birthing in the car on the way to hospital to going to the wrong hospital (that doesn't have a Labor & Delivery unit) to giving birth in the park next to the hospital. None of them have me actually giving birth in the hospital.

However, I'm sure none of them will happen; mainly because I don't want to deal with the "baby born in non-sterile environment" protocol and having to be separated until who knows when, not cool.

However, this time around I do plan on hiring a Doula. I couldn't with my first VBAC attempt because I didn't think I could afford it. We couldn't, we were barely making bills and $500 (+/-) was nowhere in our realm of doable. I had no idea that there were multiple doulas in my area and some of them are willing to work on the pricing. This time I'm making it a priority, we're in a better place financially and will be saving from this month on...and if it comes to it, I won't hesitate to ask.

I thought I was educated enough, I did have the head knowledge, but I was so distracted with everything going on I didn't have enough brain power to separate from the situation and remember what I knew. That's what I need someone to do for me, help me remember what I already know.

In between all my different birth scenarios I've also thought about not having anymore children. Jake and I have both wanted 4 (and then adopt another 2) for, well, forever. But I don't think I can handle another C-section. Physically, yes, I can do it. Emotionally? I don't know. I see how much this one has messed me up. How, for the past 17 months, I've worked through it and the accompanying emotions over and over and think I've dealt and moved on; only to have the memories and doubt and guilt and sense of failure well up over and over again.

I'm scared that if I do have another C-section I'll fall apart into a depression that is more than just the baby blues. I'm scared of what that will mean for my children if I'm an emotional wreck.

Fear. Doubt. Guilt. Frustration. Anger. Hurt. Sadness. Regret.

As you can see I obviously haven't dealt with it.

I've tried talking about it, not talking about it, rationalizing, praying, giving it up...I just can't shake it.

The only thing I can hope is that going ahead and having another baby will give me the chance to know that I'm doing absolutely everything I can to increase my chances of success. People tell me I have nothing to prove, but I do. At least to myself I have something to prove.

I love and appreciate all comments, however, please be sensitive. I know that the end goal is a "healthy baby", but it is also a "healthy mama" and that means both physically and emotionally. I haven't written this post as a pity party, but to let other moms like me know that this is ok. It's ok to still be not ok 17 months later. I'm not alone, they aren't alone. Please remember that and be supportive, Thanks!

Processing Jaron's Birth:
Original Birth Story

2 Months After

8 Months After

10 Months After

If you want to hear more about my 2 (not always) sleeping babies and the rest of the family you can follow us on Google+, Facebook, and Twitter! 

My Baby Is Gone! And I'm A Mess.

My. Husband. Cut. My. Baby's. Hair. And now my baby is gone.

In case that didn't get the point across, I've seriously had a hard time with Jaron getting his first haircut.

Jake did it with my grudging permission, so it's not like he snuck off and chopped off those baby strands, but I wasn't ready. I knew that he was going to need one soon and figured it would be in the next couple of weeks since his hair was starting to get close to being in his eyes. Jake's been mentioning cutting it for months now. So I finally caved and let him cut it.

We just did it here at home because Aedyn's first haircut came out horrible even though he sat perfectly still and let the stylist do what she needed to do. And it was at a kid's place, the only one in town. I wasn't doing that again and Jake knows his way around a head of hair, so we just went that route.

Bad idea.

Not because Jake didn't do a decent job (although cutting hair on a Mexican jumping bean might have been easier than cutting Jaron's). But because he did the job in the first place.

*Rabbit trail: A book that I read before we were married described men's and women's brains as visual and emotional respectively. As an example, the book said to think of a rolodex, at any point in time that rolodex can flip open to any moment in the past and the person has no control over that happening. For men that can be pretty much anything they've ever seen that made an impression, for women it's emotions. Any trigger can set off emotions from that past that are as potent as the time they were originally experiences.*

I was upset all day long. Mad, fuming, hurt, upset. I came up with a dozen different reasons for my reaction. The slight unevenness above Jaron's ears to dishes being in the sink to Jake not saying thank you for something the week before (I didn't say they were good reasons...).

I finally realized what was really going on. I wasn't ready to cut his hair. I felt like I was being bullied into doing something to my child that was unnecessary and that what I wanted for him wasn't even being considered. I was reliving my c-section. Don't ask me why cutting Jaron's hair was a trigger, but it was.

And I felt like I was losing my baby. I still feel that way. Every time I look at him. He looks like a little boy now. It feels different when I look down at him while he nurses. I'm struck by how old he looks and yet how tiny he is while he plays with his brother. He looks completely different.

I know that he can't stay a baby forever and I'll never be 100% ready to let him grow up. But I wish I'd held out for another week. Until he really and truly did have hair in his eyes and the need for a haircut was undeniable on every level.

I miss my baby. I wonder if it really was different with Aedyn or if I took out my emotions on the unknowing stylist as I blamed her for ruining his hair. Maybe with the next one, we'll risk the stylist...just so I'm not unexplainably angry at my husband for the following 24 hours.

Have you ever had such an emotional reactions to something that seemed simple and routine? How did you handle it?

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How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Birth Gone Wrong?

Yes, he got here, but that's NOT all that matters.

A few weeks ago I got knocked sideways with some pretty heavy emotions. A friend of mine had a beautiful baby boy and a completely natural birth. Now I haven't heard the whole birth story, I hope I will hear it one day, but as of yet I don't think she's put it up anywhere. So maybe it wasn't the perfect birth, but from what I do know it certainly sounded perfect.

My first reaction.

Jealousy.

Complete on the spot bawling my eyes out jealousy and grief.

I'm not proud of it, and after I had a few minutes I was excited and thrilled and proud for her. He really is an adorable little boy and she did an amazing job growing him and getting him here.

But how long? How many of my friends and how many births? Until I have a successful VBAC? What if I never do? (Heaven forbid.)

It's been 10 months and 17 days. Each day I'm one step closer. It takes time. Time. More time.

It's a healing process. A process that takes a step forward with every birth. Each one causes me to work through everything that went on that day a little bit more, to go a little bit deeper. I'm realizing more and more that a lot of my hurt and anger has more to do with my treatment postpartum rather than the C-section itself. So now I'm trying to figure out how to process and deal with that.

10 months and 17 days.

I almost feel as if I'm rehashing this yet again, even though it seems as if I always come back to it every few months. But hey, it's my blog, you don't have to read it... and maybe someone else needs to hear that they're not alone either, that it's normal to be going through this. Still.

10 months and 17 days. Maybe tomorrow it won't feel so fresh.

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Nursing Stories: Why I don't like Lactation Consultants

I've had this post sitting in draft since February 21st. I've come back to it multiple times, but this is the first where I'm not in tears or angry about how things are going. Now I'm talking about the issue instead of just incoherently venting about the frustration. Please know that I'm not bashing Lactation Consultants as a whole, I think it's a wonderful profession and doesn't have the regard or the influence that it should have. However, I am talking about my experiences which were less than stellar. I think if there were more demand for LC services then by sheer experience the LCs I have come in contact with would have been better equipped to handle my particular problems. I hope that my negative experiences will not steer women away from using an LC, but encourage them to ask for second opinions and keep looking for answers until a problem is dealt with. I also hope that if I have problems with future children that I will not allow these experiences to keep me from asking for help.

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First nursing

My experience with Lactation Consultants (LCs) has not been a good. I've seen or talked to 3 different women and none of them were able to help in any way, any of the time. One of them even honestly told me that I was so well informed that I could probably do her job. I've visited my local La Leche League meeting and at my first meeting was answering more questions more thoroughly than the leaders. I've researched a lot I've read books, googled my mind out, watched videos. But either I'm weird or women with similar problems are keeping their mouth shut. Or like me, told that what they're experiencing was part of the process. Or unlike me, giving up breastfeeding.

When Medical Records Don't Lie

I picked up my OB records on Friday. We're moving fairly soon and not only did I want to see them for myself, but I would rather have them in hand in case of emergency, not waiting for offices to get their faxes together.

It was hard enough going through them, first, getting misty-eyed over seeing sonogram reports throughout Aedyn's pregnancy and reading the Op report of his birth. Actually seeing the numbers for his cord length. Did you know a normal average umbilical cord for a full term baby is 20 - 24 inches? Aedyn's was less than 6 inches. What a blessing that C-section was!


And apparently I was noted to have a "very prominent sacrum" while they had my uterus outside my body. That first part might have been nice to know before I got pregnant with Jaron since it could have possibly played a big role in why I ended up with a repeat C-sec...the second part I could have gone a lifetime without knowing...yeah.


Then I got to the records of my pregnancy with Jaron and his birth. Very few positive emotions there. Actually none. More like the emotional feeling of a sewer backing up and throwing sludge all over my day. Yup, just like that.


It started with my glucose screening. What they said they told me was not even close to what they actually told me. I know I tend to be more on the hypoglycemic side of things so I knew I would more than pass the test, which I did. But still frustrating to recall that whole mess.

Then I got to the Repeat C-sec. The way it reads is the way it went. No lies, which I was happy about. But no absolution either. I didn't realize that that was what I was looking for until today. I've been engrossed with the records of both pregnancies all day. Trying to find something that even remotely made me stop regretting my decision. Something that was to Jaron what the 6"cord was to Aedyn. Something.


I didn't find it. Reasons like the way my back is naturally arched in a slightly different spot than most people might have been an issue, but that in and of itself might have been able to be overcome; or that I was sitting in triage for nearly 9 hours with no other sign of labor than a high leak and a baby who was very high, high enough that a cord prolapse possibility was mentioned.


I found facts, I found reasons, I found truth...but I did not find absolution.


And here I am rehashing it once again. I just wish I could erase all those notes and call "DO OVER!"






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