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| Yes, he got here, but that's NOT all that matters. |
My first reaction.
Jealousy.
Complete on the spot bawling my eyes out jealousy and grief.
I'm not proud of it, and after I had a few minutes I was excited and thrilled and proud for her. He really is an adorable little boy and she did an amazing job growing him and getting him here.
But how long? How many of my friends and how many births? Until I have a successful VBAC? What if I never do? (Heaven forbid.)
It's been 10 months and 17 days. Each day I'm one step closer. It takes time. Time. More time.
It's a healing process. A process that takes a step forward with every birth. Each one causes me to work through everything that went on that day a little bit more, to go a little bit deeper. I'm realizing more and more that a lot of my hurt and anger has more to do with my treatment postpartum rather than the C-section itself. So now I'm trying to figure out how to process and deal with that.
10 months and 17 days.
I almost feel as if I'm rehashing this yet again, even though it seems as if I always come back to it every few months. But hey, it's my blog, you don't have to read it... and maybe someone else needs to hear that they're not alone either, that it's normal to be going through this. Still.
10 months and 17 days. Maybe tomorrow it won't feel so fresh.
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I think it is completely understandable to have felt jealousy. You are
ReplyDeletehuman, and through no fault of your own, the system failed you. I honestly don't think I could be as
gracious If I was in your shoes. It just isn't fair.
I found out today that another friend of mine had a c-section, which means that twice as many of my friends have had C-sections versus not, and I'm the only person I know aside from family that has given birth without an epi, and even I was not entirely natural b/c I was induced with Pit. I know personal experience is not scientifically accurate, but there is something very, very wrong with statistics like that. Where is the support system for one of the most natural things you can do? I love my OB, but it makes me want to give birth next time in a tent in the woods.
Thank you for saying that it still hurts to have a delivery that you didn't want after 10 mths. My LO is 10mth old and I ended up having a c-section under general after I went into respiratory distress with THREE failed epidurals. My husband doesn't really understand as he is happy that I survived but I can't help but to still cry and feel that somehow I failed because I didn't deliver naturally.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, time is a wonderful healer. Whatever you're feeling about the birth now and at anytime is okay, don't let anyone make you believe otherwise.
ReplyDelete