16 January 2011

Rough waters for quiet streams

  I haven't been able to put Jaron down for a few days now and his presence in our bed has definitely moved to >50% of the time. I could blame it on him and how he's been slightly congested and fussy, but in all truth it's mostly me. In part because I realized that since he's so low maintenance that I leave him alone more than I'd like (and/or more than I feel like I should) and I'm pretty sure that's been affecting his eating. (I'll stop feeding him for a minute to go after Aedyn and when I come back a minute later he'll refuse to eat.)  Plus I was up from 2am - 5am the other night just upset and angry about much of what surrounded his birth and our hospital stay.

I'm still having a VERY difficult time coming to terms with the C-section. My head knows all the facts and yada yada, but emotionally I'm still a mess. I'm filled with what ifs and frustration. But that I can get past, it happened, I have my baby. What hurts my heart is how things went afterward. I didn't get to see him until over 2 hours later after a few moments in the OR. Why? Not because anything was wrong with him (he scored a 9/9 on his APGAR), but because it was routine and there were so many babies in the nursery and they wouldn't bring him back to me until they had time for him. I missed those first important hours; by the time he came back he was crashed and wouldn't wake to nurse for the first time until quite awhile later.

They had a hard time getting his body temp to regulate after his bath; had they brought him to me and had a few minutes nursing and laying on my chest it wouldn't have been an issue! All that to say that I was pretty stressed from all of that before we even got into our PP room. Then the next night (at 3am, why on earth do they come take the babies in the middle of the night??? As if I wasn't already losing enough sleep, they take him away???), the nurse said she'd bring him "right back" after his weight check and such; an hour and a half later I went looking for him to find that they had every baby in the maternity unit in the nursery and were keeping them all in there until they'd finished with all of them (there were over 20 babies in there).

Once again, sitting in the nursery instead of being with me until they were actually ready for him. I was so mad I couldn't see straight. Then we had the same nurse the next night, who made a comment about me being the one "stalking the hall" when she'd taken him the night before. If she hadn't had my baby I would have lost it on her, instead I made it very clear that I wanted him back as soon as his weight had been checked. She did bring him back fairly quickly that night. But when I called for another dose of meds (which I was overdue for anyway) she came 45 min later, b/c she gives all her patients their meds at the same time because it's easier for her. My day nurses and the nurse we had on the first night were so much more family centered than this one, she was just all hospital, stats, and business, the exact reason why I didn't want to use a hospitaly hospital. (How I miss St Luke's!!!!).

Now I'm worried about what happens if I have another failed VBAC with #3 (no, I'm not pregnant again yet, I'm just a planner). Changing hospitals is not an option since my Dr doesn't deliver anywhere else and he's the only one in the entire county who will even consider a VBAMC. There aren't any other options in Melbourne, I'm looking into an option in Jacksonville, but it's looking pretty unlikely.

If I wasn't GBS+ it would make all the difference in the world. I'm planning on asking/telling them that they can't take the baby to the nursery until after I've had time to nurse and bond with him/her.

But out of all that comes renewed effort to not let Jaron get the short end of the stick because we didn't get started off right and he doesn't demand as much attention as some babies do.  So now he's cuddled up on my shoulder breathing sweet, milky breath into my face and I know that he's worth more than enough to make up for the disappointments and frustrations surrounding his arrival, I just wished that all of me could apply that to all of what I feel, all the time.


  1. If you figure out how to apply what you know to what you feel let us all know.

    Actually, write a book about it, sell said book, and make a bazillion dollars.

  2. Oh Heather, I'm so sorry to read about your birth experience, and all you had to go through. I would have been breathing fire at the nurse too!

    GBS+...is that Group B Strep? If so, then I believe that it's different for each pregnancy. Just because you're positive for one pregnancy doesn't mean you're positive for the next, so there's hope for a VBAMC! I have a good friend who just had a VBAC in MS, and it is amazing to hear how it really redeemed her birthing experience the first time. I hope and pray you can experience that reclaiming of birth, too.

    Thanks also, for putting in that last sentence. It is an encouragement that I really needed to hear right now, through some of my own health struggles!

  3. Yeah, that's the group b strep. It can actually vary week to week, a + test doesn't mean you'll still be + when you give borth or that the baby will get it even if you are, the same for a - result. Becaise of the severity of it on a newborn and the high fatality rate I will get abx no matter what I test, since I've been + twice now. I am going to insist on 2 doses of abx before I allow amy interventions next time, so theu won't have to draw so much blood on the baby.


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