I picked up my OB records on Friday. We're moving fairly soon and not only did I want to see them for myself, but I would rather have them in hand in case of emergency, not waiting for offices to get their faxes together.
It was hard enough going through them, first, getting misty-eyed over seeing sonogram reports throughout Aedyn's pregnancy and reading the Op report of his birth. Actually seeing the numbers for his cord length. Did you know a normal average umbilical cord for a full term baby is 20 - 24 inches? Aedyn's was less than 6 inches. What a blessing that C-section was!
And apparently I was noted to have a "very prominent sacrum" while they had my uterus outside my body. That first part might have been nice to know before I got pregnant with Jaron since it could have possibly played a big role in why I ended up with a repeat C-sec...the second part I could have gone a lifetime without knowing...yeah.
Then I got to the records of my pregnancy with Jaron and his birth. Very few positive emotions there. Actually none. More like the emotional feeling of a sewer backing up and throwing sludge all over my day. Yup, just like that.
It started with my glucose screening. What they said they told me was not even close to what they actually told me. I know I tend to be more on the hypoglycemic side of things so I knew I would more than pass the test, which I did. But still frustrating to recall that whole mess.
Then I got to the Repeat C-sec. The way it reads is the way it went. No lies, which I was happy about. But no absolution either. I didn't realize that that was what I was looking for until today. I've been engrossed with the records of both pregnancies all day. Trying to find something that even remotely made me stop regretting my decision. Something that was to Jaron what the 6"cord was to Aedyn. Something.
I didn't find it. Reasons like the way my back is naturally arched in a slightly different spot than most people might have been an issue, but that in and of itself might have been able to be overcome; or that I was sitting in triage for nearly 9 hours with no other sign of labor than a high leak and a baby who was very high, high enough that a cord prolapse possibility was mentioned.
I found facts, I found reasons, I found truth...but I did not find absolution.
And here I am rehashing it once again. I just wish I could erase all those notes and call "DO OVER!"
:( I have gone over and over the details of my emergency c-section as well. The what if's used to haunt me. What if I had waited for my body to go into labor naturally? (they induced me because my baby literally kept flipping from breech to nonbreech through almost 40 weeks gestation and I have a history of fast labors so they didn't want me to go into labor with her breech and risk it). What if I had insisted they wheel me back out of the c-section room when she flipped for the 5th time that morning releasing the pressure from the cord? (the 4th time they flipped her head down the cord slipped in front on her head and the cord became prolapsed and that's why they sent me in for an emergency c-section.). They "what if's" can haunt you forever. I am by no means saying "suck it up" or "you have a healthy baby so be happy" like so many have said to me. I completely understand the what if's but you have to use them as learning tools and not allow them to control you ♥
You're healthy, you're kids are healthy- keep those looking forward and just try not to look back. I didn't have a c-sec but a hospital birth the 1st time and it haunted me until I stopped thinking about it! XOXO
I have often wanted to read the accounting of my delivery with Hannabert - I haven't had the courage yet. I am sorry that reading didn't shed any light on the situation with Jaron.
:( I have gone over and over the details of my emergency c-section as well. The what if's used to haunt me. What if I had waited for my body to go into labor naturally? (they induced me because my baby literally kept flipping from breech to nonbreech through almost 40 weeks gestation and I have a history of fast labors so they didn't want me to go into labor with her breech and risk it). What if I had insisted they wheel me back out of the c-section room when she flipped for the 5th time that morning releasing the pressure from the cord? (the 4th time they flipped her head down the cord slipped in front on her head and the cord became prolapsed and that's why they sent me in for an emergency c-section.).
ReplyDeleteThey "what if's" can haunt you forever. I am by no means saying "suck it up" or "you have a healthy baby so be happy" like so many have said to me. I completely understand the what if's but you have to use them as learning tools and not allow them to control you ♥
@Christy
ReplyDeleteThanks :) I think I'm starting to get to that point...slow process though!
Hugs mama xxx
ReplyDeleteYou're healthy, you're kids are healthy- keep those looking forward and just try not to look back. I didn't have a c-sec but a hospital birth the 1st time and it haunted me until I stopped thinking about it! XOXO
ReplyDeleteI have often wanted to read the accounting of my delivery with Hannabert - I haven't had the courage yet. I am sorry that reading didn't shed any light on the situation with Jaron.
ReplyDeleteThanks. It was a much more emotional experience than I expected, definitely don't rush it :)
ReplyDelete